Step One: Rub Butter on a Piece of Tape...

Call it vanity or call it vanity. I don't really care what you call it. For example, you could call it vanity.

But whatever you call it, the fact is: Duf broke down and got him some of those Crest Whitestrips. Don't hate - get your own (or get the really nice fitted mouthpiece and the gel from the dentist. You could also get lasered up - whatever you want. Duf is a man of the people, and he wanted a whiter smile without jeopardizing his ability to make the rent, the car payment, the green fees and the Modest Mouse show on April 21st at the Orpheum - I'll be there...look for the black guy).

I'd been thinking about it (it = whitening) for awhile (it all started when LJC smiled at me once in Jacksonville...one word: radiant), but when I saw a $5.00 off coupon* in the Sunday sales circular, I decided that God wanted me to have whiter teeth and fresher breath**. He also wanted me to save .25 on reduced calorie salad dressing, but we don't always see the signs that God sends us now do we?

The way it (it does not equal coupons - it = whitening) works is this. You put these gel covered pieces of plastic over your upper and lower incisors and bicuspids for 30 minutes per session - two sessions per day.

I'm on day two of ten.

Here's what I'll report so far:

After two days, my teeth are not noticeably whiter, but then the directions indicate that you'll start to notice after three days.

I have a hard time keeping the device on all of my teeth for 30 minutes. I'm constantly fidgeting with it. In some respects, it's like a popcorn piece that's stuck between your teeth. For some reason (which probably has something to do with my not being used to having a film covering my teeth, my OCD, and my oral fixation) I cannot leave it alone. I poke at it with my tongue, touch it with my fingers and constantly look at it in mirrors to make sure it's touching all the right teeth. I'm pretty sure that guys like me need a mouthpiece and a 10 day script for valium...well and someone besides me to understand the importance of putting all the pillows on the couch with the zippers down (which is not related to whiter teeth, but is related to OCD).

When the thirty minutes are over and you remove the apparatuses, your teeth are covered in gel. It's not exactly pleasant. But gurrrrl, if there's one thing Duf knows it's that beauty sometimes requires sacrifices, honey. It's why men sometimes wear uncomfortable shoes, pierce our ears, wear underwear that goes up between our butt cheeks*** and choose contact lenses over glasses.

I'll report back in eight days. If this (this = whitening) doesn't work I'll seek donations so I can go ahead on and get lasered up.




*Let's settle this once and for all, it's pronounced "koo-pon" not "cue-pon."

**The Whitestrips do not help with halitosis, but God does want me to have fresher breath.

***I don't know what one calls that kind of underwear because my life is devoted to loftier pursuits like literature, Twins baseball and teeth whitening.