jeudi, janvier 19, 2006

My Next Post Will be from the Other Side, An Open Letter to My Readers

Dear Visitor,

By the time you read this, I may be dead.

Oh, there are many reasons I may be dead. For example, God may smite me for my active distaste for his messengers and angels.

For example, I can’t even stand the look of this guy. I think this guy’s a murderer. I think this guy’s a charlatan, and I think this guy’s disgusting.

Why do I think he’s disgusting? Well, because he once said:

“I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good ... if a Christian voted for Clinton, he sinned against God. It's that simple. Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty; we are called by God to conquer this country...”

I don’t like this insider-trading, M.D..

I don’t like this moron.

I don’t like this crook (although, to be fair, I’m not sure he’s a God squad guy – he may align himself with the devil if the K-Street money was right. Unlike this evil overlord who uses God for political gain – he’s the opiate dopeman…smoke up!).

But I really like this guy. So clearly I’m not on the right team.

And those others are the God squad (just ask ‘em), so I may be smote for not following their every word. If I am dead, and there is a Christian Coalition/Moral Majority/Operation Rescue/700 Club/Pro-life-pro-death-penalty-pro-Iraq-war pamphlet in my pocket, then God struck me down.

I may also be dead for eating a cherry tomato and spraying tomato guts on my laptop keyboard. If you find me dead, and there is a note in my pocket which reads “it’s not your computer, it’s Wernham Hogg’s computer!” then it was our Network Administrator who done me in.

But mainly I may be dead because I made a fatal error. Yesterday I was drinking water out of a 22 ounce plastic cup that I keep on my desk. The problem is: I didn’t add the water yesterday. I added it some day (or two or three) before yesterday (I really have no idea when). The water tasted fine, but it was room temperature. When I got to the bottom of the cup, having enjoyed 10 ounces or so, there was a cloudy white mass floating in the water…it looked like a pea-sized piece of ice, only flattened.

I saw it just before I took it in – right to my belly. And it weren't no ice. I'm pretty sure it was a nice blobby mass of bacteria or germs or anthrax or sputum or iocane powder.

So anyway, it was nice knowing you, and we’ll see you on the next lap (see what I mean that reincarnation thing is going to get me smote),