vendredi, octobre 07, 2005

Why Not Me God? Why Not Me?

I feel like I'm a good person.

I try to lead a Christian life as I understand it.

I don't hate anyone, or any type of person.

I try very hard not to judge others; I don't even judge sins. I have my own, others have theirs. Cheers!

I try very hard to be honest and to be kind.

When I am wrong, I try to always say I am sorry (and when I say it, I try very hard to mean it).

When people tell me they are sorry, I forgive them (and forget about it).

I don't steal.

I try to tread lightly. I try not to leave work for others but instead to clean up my own "messes."

I don't hit people. I have never killed any one. I am not covetous, but sometimes I lust in my heart. Immediately after doing it, I feel really, really bad and really, really ashamed.

I love animals and all of God's creations: art, music, dance, theater, the sky, the water, the air, CBS Sunday Morning, Sigur Ros, literature, and wine (among others). I try to be a good steward of them all.

In my heart, in my deepest heart, I try to be a good person - I really do. And, if you'll permit me a boastful moment driven by self-serving ego, I think I succeed more often than I fail.

I try to be humble.

Sure, I don't go to church every Sunday, and sure, when I go, it is not to a Christian church, and...

Sure, I don't pray very much, but I think I worship all the time.

So my question is, why doesn't God ever talk to me?

Look, I know that Bush is denying reports in the BBC that God instructed him to attack Iraq and Afghanistan, but he has said in the past that he talks to God, that he consults a higher power, and that God talks to him. I admire him for his candor on this subject (and would love it if that candor migrated to other subjects).

So, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn't God talk to me? I am completely open to it. And (I'm being totally serious too), there are times when I knew with a certainty that approached the divine, that there was going to be a certain outcome (when I was 12, I knew I was going to win bingo (it was $200) and I did; when I met my wife (while at a party with my girlfriend at the time) I knew (with a certainty I have never had about anything) that she would be my wife (and I don't like to talk about it because it's weird to me).

Maybe God was talking to me then, but...

God has never said anything to me like: quit your job, or buy that hybrid Lexus, or kill tens of thousands of unarmed citizens, or go with a seven iron here.

And forgive me, but it seems strange to me that God talks to a multi-millionaire President and tells him to start a war that will lead to tens of thousands of direct and indirect deaths...I find it odd that God talks to an heir to outrageous power and fortune, a man of privilege so robust it astounds, but has no words for a middle-class middle-manager from middle-America. Never. Never says anything to me, or to millions of other people. 'Sup God?

What am I doing wrong?

Why not me God?

Why not me?

Or is it this? Is it that it wasn't God talking to Bush, it was someone (or something) else?