With Sugar on Top? - A Half-hearted Indictment of Christmas

Christmas is ridiculous and crass*. Every year I try to beat it by meditating on its violent demise, but every year it gets bigger and crasser and worser. Oh, if only we could cancel the whole thing! Or at least take every other year off. Yes, the economy would collapse, but maybe we’d find a deeper celebration divorced from commerce and greed.

Yeah, right.

But if I can’t be ‘em…

I suppose I could ask for this ride for Christmas.

And this ride would do well with my green side.

Dear Santa, can you upgrade the city crib one time?

Oh, and give our little family a nice little getaway?

I’ll tell Mrs. Duf that I need a way to tell time away from home.

But all of that is a prelude for the one thing I really want for Christmas. There’s no chance you’ll take me seriously, but I’m totally, totally serious. I collect these (in my own depressingly middle class way), and I’ve been obsessed with them (and their portable progeny) since I was eight years old. When I get bored, I search for these on the web. In all my searching, I’ve never found an example that engaged my scheming more than this one.

I could sell stock.

I could get a night job.

I could steal it.

In 2006 I bought an oil painting and a car, so I’m tapped out for luxury items, and it’s a shame too, because:

What I really want for Christmas is this one simple and elegant way to tell time at home.

I love it; I love it; I love it.

And...

It’s only $26,000.

But it’s sure to retain its value…

Do I have any readers who are fabulously wealthy who will grant me this amazing clock for the full term of my natural life with the remainder going to her or him or his or her heirs or assigns?

Pretty please.

Hello? Is this on?


*I'm in New Jersey today. In the lobby of the building I visited, they've erected four holiday celebrations. One celebrating Christmas, one celebrating Chanukah, once celebrating Kwanzaa, and one celebrating Three Kings Day. The lobby of my office building back in Minnesota only celebrates one of these four holidays. I leave you to guess which one (hint, it stands in stark contrast to Bill O'Reilly's daft protestations).