mercredi, septembre 27, 2006

An Open Letter to the GOP Convention Planners

1234 Illogic Way
Washington, D.C. 20510

RE: Your recent selection of the Twin Cities for your 2008 Convention

Dear Sirs*:

While we probably won't greet you as liberators, you should be very welcome when you come here for your little convention in 2008: we plan to stock up on caviar and expensive champagne. We'll have cuban cigars (and we'll remove the labels so as not to create any guilty feelings as you enjoy the gentle pull and robust flavors) and we'll recruit extra exotic dancers for when your prayer group meetings are done**. We'll bring in lots of BMWs for you to rent so that you'll feel right at home whilst you drive around***. We'll load in lots of earth-hating air fresheners so that you won't be embarrassed by your sulfuric essence.

We do expect that you'll respect our first amendment rights during your visit. You may see a sign or two - Minnesotans are very expressive people.

In closing, please be advised that your presence here doesn't matter, Minnesotans will continue their very long and excellent tradition of voting Democrat for President.

Thank you,


P.S. Watch out for flying eggs and/or tomatoes - I'd hate to see a Sable coat ruined.

cc: Neoconservatives
Enemies of Science
Religious Fanatics
Prosperity Haters
Deficit Lovers
Jack Abramhoff
Ann Coulter
Jerry Falwell
Pat Robertson
Dr. James Dobson
George Steinbrenner
Focus on the Family
People who do nothing while annual health care costs rise 20%
Social Security Reformers (ha!)
Plan B Proponents (Thanks Bush FDA!)
Lead Fiddlers amid the Inferno that is our Rome
(BTW, the Devil went down to Georgia, NOT Minnesota!)
Lovers of Tax Inequity
Terrorism Expanders
Vast Right Wing Conspirators
Eroders of the Separation of Church and State
Earth Haters

*and any token Madams out there.

** this is based on a true story. One night, my friend and I were leaving a Timberwolves basketball game and walking in downtown Minneapolis. We walked past**** a strip club just as hoards of exotic dancers exiting a bus were walking in. We asked the bouncer why so many dancers, and he said they brought in extra folks for the Promisekeepers Convention.

***I heard this morning that a disproportionate number of Volvo drivers are Democrats. BMWs drivers are disproportionately Republican. Very true.

****no kidding, we really walked past. Duf is not down with strip clubs, but, more than that, he doesn't kick it with Promisekeepers.